Hello all! I hope all is going well for you. I suppose this is sort of like the 2nd part of the last post that I made, although they aren’t really interdependent at all, which is why this one has a separate title. I suppose another consequence of stream of consciousness (SOC) is that (at least in my case), it’s much unplanned. I mean, I have an idea of what I will write about which is how I come up with titles (in the case of titles that I come up with before I write the post), but even if I don’t know the title first, I have a vague idea to begin. For instance, in this post, I titled it before writing it; however in the previous post, I came up with (what I’ve decided to be quite clever) the title after writing the post. But I suppose that all that’s irrelevant. If you’re reading this, you’re probably wondering what I’ve learned about myself, amongst other things, if you read the last post, since that is what I said I would write about.
I suppose saying that I learned something about myself, is a bit of a non-truth, I already knew it, it was just reconfirmed, and now I guess I’m going to publicly share it. If you know me well enough, you might already know this, but you might not, and that is that I’m afraid of people, in a sense.
It’s funny really, because I’m only afraid of people in the context of relationship, and that doesn’t really make much sense the way I’m explaining it, so I will use an example. I’m in this group called XA (Chi Alpha) and we do different things for evangelism, one being surveys, and another being praying for people. I have no problem walking up to someone and saying “hey have you taken our survey?” or “hey, do you have any prayer requests?” If they say no, they say no, and I just move on. No problem being rejected there. HOWever, last Saturday, I decided a good way to meet some people (since I didn’t really know anyone) was to just nonchalantly walk up to a fellow new student and ask them if they wanted to go get some food and explore the city a bit. No problem right? WRONG! Picture this: I was standing in my room, literally trembling, and having that argument in my mind that you have when you’re trying to get yourself to do something that you don’t want to do. I looked at my hand, and since it wasn’t noticeably shaking, I figured I must not be that worried. SO, I walked across the hall and knocked on the door of a girl named Rica who I had just happened to meet because we checked into the hospital at the same time (btw, just a sidenote: living in a hospital is weird to Australians, too…not a normal thing). She wasn’t there, so I just went and asked someone else. That’s at least, what I would have done if I were a more logical person…instead I went back into my room to psych myself out some more. “Just go ask someone else, what are you so afraid of? Everyone is new here and no one knows anyone” “Not true. Rica, for example, has a friend here from her university. The two girls I met at the airport were both from W&M…what was I thinking coming here alone? That wasn’t a good idea” (another sidenote: It’s funny. Fast forward to Monday and the lady who did the first orientation session talked about how when you go to a new place you go through phases of being really excited about the new city, and then really unexcited and homesick, and regretting the choice of coming, and then happy you came again. I’m pretty sure I went through most of that on Saturday and got back to the happy to be here phase by Sunday, and the reason for that will come up shortly) “Just go ask someone else! What’s the worst that could happen? They say no, so you move on!” That’s the fear that can break you. REJECTION!!! (oh no) Now that I am 6 whole days wiser (not much) I can say that the fear of rejection stems from the lie that you have nothing to offer. Everyone (including me) has something to offer. (Psalm 139:14) I’ve started talking to people now, although I haven’t initiated many conversations. I have started a few, and I’ve been consciously not finding a corner to sit alone in when there’s a big group of people. Even if you’re afraid to talk to someone outright, if you go up and ask them if you can sit with them, they’ll usually start the conversation if you don’t. I know when that happens to me I do, cause it’s awkward to just have someone sit with you and just look at one another without saying anything. In fact, that’s more uncomfortable than putting yourself out there and possibly having an awkward conversation. I realize this post has gotten a lot longer than I thought it would be, so there truly will be a part 2 to this one, because otherwise, the title just doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. But, before I end this, you’re probably wondering two things: what happened with the whole asking people to dinner thing, and two, what happened on Sunday to change my downcast mood. Well, I finally worked up enough nerve to go and ask someone else so I’m like “hey, I’m going to go look around the city and find some dinner. Wanna come?” and they were like “No, sorry” and that was it. I’m absolutely crushed right? No, not really. That’s the other somewhat peculiar thing about me…I have this dreadful fear of being rejected, but when it happens, I don’t really mind so much. This is why fear is irrational. The consequences aren’t usually as bad as what you imagine them to be. This is of course referring to social fears, not healthy ones such as not sticking a knife in a socket for the fear of being electrocuted. But anyhow, I went and ate dinner by myself which turned out to be for the best because God always has stuff planned out really perfectly. And the second thing is the whole Sunday thing…well, that, as you can probably guess, is where the title comes from, and is what you will have to read about in the next post…if you feel so inclined. But fortunately, I’m posting them at the same time, cause I’m tired of postponing writing about it, but if I put them together that would make this too long post even longer, so feel free to just read on. In conclusion, I’m long-winded.
May His truth be your delight! :)